When a loved one’s memory fades or words falter, communication can feel like trying to hold water in your hands. Frustration, confusion, and heartache creep in—for both sides. But small shifts in how you connect can turn those shaky moments into lifelines. Here’s how to make every conversation count, even as cognitive abilities decline.
1. Ways of Speaking
What works:
- Short, simple sentences: Cut the clutter. Instead of, “Do you want to put on your blue sweater now that it’s chilly outside?” say, “Let’s wear your cozy blue sweater!”
- One idea at a time: Avoid overwhelming them with choices. Instead of asking, “What do you want for lunch?” try, “We’re having soup today—it smells delicious!”
Example in action:
Your mom stares at her shoes, confused. Instead of saying, “You need to put on shoes because we’re going to the doctor,” gently hand them to her and say, “Time for our walk! Let’s slip these on.”
2. Listen with Your Heart
What works:
- Focus on emotions, not facts: If they insist it’s 1965, don’t correct them. Say, “1965 was a great year! Tell me about it.”
- Validate their reality: Arguing worsens stress. If they say, “I need to pick up my son from school” (even though their son is 50), reply, “He’s safe. Let’s call him later.”
Example in action:
Your dad paces anxiously, muttering about a work meeting. Instead of saying, “You retired 10 years ago,” try: “You worked so hard! Let’s sit and think about your best project.”
3. Proper use of body language
What works:
- Smile like sunshine: A warm expression eases tension.
- Use calming touch: A hand on theirs can say more than words.
- Mirror their pace: Slow your movements to avoid startling them.
Example in action:
Your spouse seems agitated during dinner. Instead of talking, hum their favorite song while gently stroking their hand. Watch their shoulders relax.
4. Turn “Testing” into “Treasure Hunting”
What works:
- Avoid quizzing: Asking, “Remember my name?” can shame them. Instead, introduce yourself casually: “Hi Grandma, it’s me, Lucy!”
- Use photos or music: Pull out old family albums or play a song from their youth. Let the memories come naturally.
Example in action:
Your aunt doesn’t recognize you. Instead of pressing her, point to a photo of her dog and say, “Buddy was such a good boy! He loved stealing your slippers.” Laugh together.
5. Respecting reality as they see it
What works:
- Redirect, don’t reject: If they want to “go home” while sitting at home, say, “Let’s have tea first! Your favorite mug is right here.”
- Blame the “problem” on something else: “The clock must be broken—it’s actually time for bed!”
Example in action:
Your husband insists the neighbors stole his keys. Instead of denying it, say, “Let’s check the kitchen drawer. Those keys love hiding there!”
6. Patience Is a Quiet Superpower
What works:
- Let silence breathe: Give them 10+ seconds to respond.
- Repeat, don’t rephrase: If they don’t understand, say the same sentence calmly.
- Celebrate tiny wins: A laugh, eye contact, or a squeezed hand = connection.
Example in action:
Your sister struggles to say “ice cream.” Instead of finishing her sentence, smile and wait. When she says, “I want… cold… sweet…” cheer: “Yes! Ice cream! Let’s get some.”